TILF-Fisto

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the most gay action figure of all time: FISTO.

Yes, Fisto. Everything about him, from his name, to his purple color scheme to the implication that he's going to do terrible things to you with his giant metal fist just screams gay.

Fisto is also most definitely a bear.  Check out those thick brows, his piercing blue eyes and that lustrous beard. This guy definitely has a bear claw bumper sticker on his Wind Raider.

And just look at that monster fist! His gauntlet is metal and studded...for his pleasure. He packs one hell of a wallop.

And, if his gigantic glove wasn't already enough over compensation, his humongous sword also comes with a fisting theme: a clenched metal fist on the hilt.

Fisto also allows you to swap his head for one without a crown, remove his fancy belt and swap out his ridiculously big sword for a smaller one, which makes him more closely resemble his classic figure from the 1980s.  Like all the Masters of the Universe figures, he's got a killer physique.  Look at those thighs!

So, Fisto is definitely my kind of man...except for the whole fisting thing. Now, if only that big metal hand was a tickling device...

TILF-Dominic Santiago

Welcome to the latest edition of TILFs, a category that I hope is self-explanatory.  This week, it's the action figure that makes me wish I was an Xbox guy and not a diehard PS3 fan.

Dominic Santiago is one thick, sexy space marine. All of the Gears of War characters have insanely complex armor that makes them look like walking tanks.

Dominic sports an arm tattoo that says "Maria".  I'll bet I could make him forget her.

He's got a rugged, masculine face and a strong profile. This is not a guy you want to mess with.

Check out that footgear!  For boot fans, they don't come much bigger than this.  His feet are enormous!  Part of that is the style of the character design, which is quite exaggerated.  If only they came off...

And, if he wasn't tough enough already, he has a gun...that's also a chainsaw! Or, a chainsaw that's also a gun.  You pick.

Dominic Santiago:  One sexy hunk of plastic.

TILF-Bionic Commando

Our latest TILF hails from a classic video game series which got a recent 3D upgrade:  Bionic Commando.  This swinger is definitely sexy enough to be inducted into the hall of TILFs.  Let's see why:

Our hero has a very handsome, slightly scruffy face.  He has caucasian features, but olive colored skin.

I don't think dreadlocks on white guys are ever a good idea, but somehow ol' BC manages to make them look sexy.

This toy has something rarely attempted on a male figure: armpit hair!  Granted, it's a bit off the mark.  The divet and dark patch wound up too far up the arm but, hey, at least they tried!

Then there's that mechanical arm: a bit of a monstrosity, but it's what allows him to swing through the wreckage of the post apocalyptic world he lives in.

 Just imagine being tickled by that!

That's it for our latest TILF.  Tune in next time for more plastic sexiness!

TILF-The Hulk

Okay, so this isn't exactly a toy, but I'm strangely drawn to this statue of the Incredible Hulk.  I wonder why...?

TILF-Ryu

Our latest TILF is Ryu, who comes from the same Street Fighter series as Sagat, who I reviewed in a previous posting.

Ryu isn't as huge and hulking as his rival, but he's got equally impressive feet.

Ryu has an intense, handsome face that is styled to look like the video game character but, let's face it, that's not why I bought him.

Ryu fights with his feet, so of course they're going to be muscular and a bit worn.  Check out those veins!

The soles tend to get a bit scuffed, as the paint wears away where he stands on them.  They're broken up by the articulated toes and the peg holes for his stand.

After a long day of battling his opponents, Ryu likes to kick back for a massage.

Any takers?

I hope you all got a "kick" out of Ryu, my latest TILF.  

TILF-Jacob Black

What would Christmas morning be without a toy?  So, here's my latest TILF to celebrate:  Jacob Black.

It's now officially legal to find Taylor Lautner sexy, isn't it?  Regardless, this toy was so overtly over-the-top homoerotic that I had to pick it up.

The likeness of Mr. Lautner is decent, but not perfect.  It doesn't quite capture his odd nose.  But, let's face it, you're not buying this figure to stare at his face.

You're buying it to ogle at his insanely perfect abs.  This is most likely also the reason you decided to sit through the dreadful Twilight movies.

This isn't so much a toy as a statue.  He pretty much only moves at the shoulders and neck.  They didn't want any joints or seams getting in the way of those rippling muscles.  However, because of what appears to be a minor scale issue between the upper and lower body, he's got a slight "muffin top".

For the boot guys, Jacob is sporting a pair of manly workboots.  

And finally, he also has the rather intricate shoulder tattoo of his werewolf clan.  This is one TILF that is bound to get you Twi-Hard.  

TILF-John Cena

What is it about John Cena?  The classic, all-American jock looks?  The thuggish posing?  The military haircut?  The insanely cut body?  Probably all of the above.

This is one of the better likeness ever scultped for a wrestling toy, in my opinion.  It captures his handsome face and arrogant smirk perfectly.

He's got abs of steel, but...no nipples!  I guess wrestling toy companies don't think men should have nipples, because that would be gay.

They even managed to represent his fade military cut in the back!

For you sneaker fetishists, John is sporting some white athletic kicks.  You know we've all thought about taking those off of him...

Is John Cena a sexy TILF?  WORD!

TILF-Savage Dragon

One of the longest running Image comics has been Erik Larsen's The Savage Dragon.

This hunky green police detective is one of my favorite figures, and captures the artist's distinctive style perfectly.

The sculpt shows off his handsome, masculine features and his...um...fin.  Hey, nobody's perfect.

Check out those guns!  Also, the Dragon is a hairy dude, which is represented on the figure the same way as in the comic book: lots of little hatch lines.

As a bonus, each of his fingers has two points of articulation each, so he can assume the "tickle hands" position.

And finally, for those sneaker fetishists, he's sporting a pair of Chucks.  It's not easy being green, but the Dragon makes it seem pretty sexy.

TILF-Legion of Doom

Welcome to another edition of TILFs. Perhaps I should have called this TILTs? Toys I'd like to tickle? Regardless, let's get started.

Hawk and Animal are known as the "Legion of Doom" in the WWE. They parade around in outfits that are sort of a cross between a professional football player's gear and KISS.

For two tough guys, they wear an awful lot of makeup.  But you know, in a manly gladiator kind of way.

They both sport crazy mohawks, which I've always had a weakness for.  Animal even has a ponytail.  Is that a mohawkmullet?

Hawk was sculpted with his tongue sticking out, which comes in very handy for some creative poses.

Hope you enjoyed this edition of inappropriate action figure posing!

TILF-Chuck Liddell

This UFC figure of Chuck Liddell manages to capture his boyish yet masculine face quite well.

There's just something about a guy with a mohawk and tattoos...

The one disappointment? The feet. The UFC fighters are always barefoot, and this is the default sculpt of the foot for all of them. Jakks clearly needs someone with a foot fetish on their sculpting team.

Even other figures can't resist making fun of his tiny baby feet. Also, they forgot Chuck's trademark painted toenails.

Poor Chuck. His great head sculpt is what truly makes him a TILF